Life Study

Explain the issues about the gas not being on and cold shower. MS. Green, YMCA, Car accident, humidity etc.

Additionally speak about your temptation to NOT be accountable for the car accident.

… talk about how TJ seems most in touch and responsive to the girls than you.

What would you say to your younger self?

Your mother and I derive a significant pleasure in the growth of all of our kids… I feel that we raised you guys the best way we new how to.  We say that we are “…raised in a time for a time.” Stevie Wonder says “…That God knew exactly where He wanted you to be placed…”.

Raising a family is not so much a science as maybe an art. What can you say about the level of rigidity that you were raised under… Good or Bad… Too much… Just right… Not enough..? And how are you with your kids?

What if you could have changed something about your youth… what would it be?

If you’re parents could have done something more or somethings less to improve upon the person that you have become… Is there something… What would it be and are you implementing a corrective action in the rearing of your children?

 

You’ve effectively adapted in a Black community… Yes or No?

i have spent so much of my time trying to actively not focus on race primarily because I was often one of the few people who were black in my environment.  In my elementary, middle school and high school years, being black didn’t afford me an instant group of friends and it is not because there were no black kids in my schools or classes, it was just that either I felt completely different or I was viewed as not black enough by my peers.  Whichever the case, being black did not get me instant friends.  Growing up, I made most of my friends through the classes I was in or because I was in orchestra.  I think the friends that I made through orchestra sustained me for my young years, because we were all different and out of place. I think we were nice to each other because of that same common denominator… we didn’t fit anywhere else, the difference for my white counterparts, is that they weren’t reminded on a daily basis that they were different, whereas I was. I don’t think it was on purpose, it was usually a question they would ask or a comment they would make on my appearance that reminded me that I was black and I was different.

Most of my friends were white, so I began learning at an early age that I black people didn’t want to be associated with people who weren’t cool and that white people liked being associated with “whitish black people”. 

Appearance

Hair

body shape

 

 

 

My first real black friend was Annie Graves. We met in high school and we were completely different and yet the same.  We didn’t cement our friendship until sophomore year, when we made the cheer leading team together. Annie was mixed races. Her mom was white and her dad was black. She, like me, found comfort in friends that shared her same interest.

 

 

I began believing at a young age that I did not really fit in anywhere.  With this in mind, I had to change my view of relationships.  I began thinking of ways that I could be supportive to other people or anyone who would want to talk to me. I found that I was really good at making other people feel better about themselves.

 

What have you learned… What do you think would be the differences in you if you would have grown up in a Black community?

Do you feel that growing up in non-Black communities has made you more or less able to function in the life that you lead?

How do you think or hope that the environment that your children are growing up in will shape them for their future… what if any, concerns do you have… What are you feelings?

 

The way you interact with your husband… Are there aspects that you learned from your parents that you either use or have rejected? Explain.

My marriage with TJ are based on 2 primary principals that I believe I got from my parents: Unconditional Love and Divorce is not an option.

Unconditional Love:

My interactions with TJ, I am not sure. I know that some of my interactions with TJ comes from watching my mom care for my dad.  I believe that as the years have passed, I have found that I need to be more vocal, because TJ is not my dad, he is TJ.  I think for years TJ may have felt that I wanted him to be more like or just like my dad, and as time as progressed, I think that puts a lot of pressure on him and our relationship.  I believe we are both learning how to love each other for who we are in the moment, knowing that we are constantly growing and changing.  I guess that brings me to the first principal that my parents taught me: Unconditional Love.

Remembering my parents growing up seems like a haze. I don’t really remember specifics anymore, sometimes I forget I was actually young. What I do remember is that my parents always made me feel safe. I remember hearing them argue, and feeling scared that my dad would leave and not come back, but he came back.  I remember dad always backing up my mom and vice versa. I remember their sweet moments, like Dad getting my mom a red velvet cake for their anniversary.  I think those moments taught me that it is okay to disagree and argue in the marriage.  That just because you argue doesn’t mean your doomed to a failed marriage.

I remember my mom praying over the family and teaching us that God has an unconditional love for us and that it is our job to have unconditional love toward others. My mom was the anchor to our family.  She was the behind the scene wonder woman.  She never appeared to need the social attention. She appeared to be content with being the best mom, wife, and employer she could be.  I watched her care for my dad, feed him, iron his clothes (or take them to the dry cleaners). She always made sure we looked our best.  I struggle with that. I think I spent most of my marriage comparing what I do and how I do things with the way my mom did things. I am not as strong as my mom.  Too often I fall into lazy mode. I get easily frustrated with the day to day responsibilities of keeping the house clean or making sure the kids look their best all the time.  To me she was a perfect mom.

My dad was always someone I looked up to. I remember being proud to be around him.  He was always fun to be around and very playful. He is thoughtful and a very good listener. (I think he spoiled me in that way).  Dad was always trying to find ways to teach us. He would use analogies, songs, stories, and experiences to teach us life’s lessons.  Dad is big on accountability and taking care of business. He didn’t procrastinate. If there was a problem, he was busy finding a solution. If it was broken, he’d learn how to fix it.  His creativity has helped him solve many of life’s twists and turns and in turn has taught me that in all problems there can be a solution, you just have to look for it.  Dad was good to my mom. He is always taking care of her and the family. If there was a need, he made it his job to fulfill it.  He was the best dad a daughter could ask for!

My parents were committed to each other.  Their love did not falter regardless of their disagreements. They could have easily let their relationship drift apart but they didn’t.  They remembered to continue to care for each other. Both of my parents modeled that relationships take work and effort.

Most people like to believe love is a feeling.  People hold on to the feeling of love, and forget that those feelings fade.  Unconditional love, is not based on a feeling. It’s based on a commitment. Unconditional love says “no matter what you do, I will be here to comfort you, uplift you, challenge you, encourage you, and fight with you!” It mimics the love that Jesus has for us.

Divorce is Not an Option!

I guess as I am typing, I am realizing or at least wandering, if the reason my parents did not get divorced was because my dad’s parents divorced.  I wonder if my dad made the commitment that divorce was not an option? My mom grew up with both her parents, and her mom died when she was a young adult, I think between 18-20 years old. My mom didn’t talk much about her mom growing up. I should ask more questions.   I think between the way I grew up with both parents and the with the work that I do, I understand the significance of having 2 biological parents for a child.  In some cases, it can be the difference in feeling loved and accepted or feeling abandoned.  Now, please don’t misunderstand, I have seen children grow up in a single parent home or in an adoptive home and they have grown and become successful, however it has been shared with me that even then, they feel like something is missing.

Growing up with both parents gave me an opportunity to not have to question who I am.  I was always Marceal Desire’ Pickett- daughter of Pamela Renee Pickett and Lamont Pickett Sr.  I knew what was expected of me: to be an honorable person and to be a productive member in our society.  I knew what to believe- For God so loved the World that He gave his only begotten son, for who soever believed in Him shall not perish and have everlasting life. I knew inside and out that I was not a mistake.  Since I didn’t have to worry about who I am,  I was able to direct all my time and energy in helping others find out who they are and what they believe.   This was my take away from having 2 biological parents. It provides your children with a foundation that the world can’t take away from them-EVER.  That is pretty powerful.

I made the commitment that divorce was not an option for me way before I met my husband. I planted that seed of commitment to my husband and my family, even before I knew what the Lord had planned for me. Now, 12 years later, I am grateful for the journey that my husband and my family are on and I am curious to see what the Lord has in store for us.

The way you interact with or train your children… Are there aspects that you learned from your parents that you either use or have rejected? Explain.

My parenting methods are…..I’m not sure what they are.  When I started having kids, I learned that I am more of an emotional mess than I ever knew. When I work with kids for my job, I can be completely emotionless. I am rationale and straightforward. I set a standard and I expect the kids to meet those expectations. If they don’t, then there are consequences.  I struggle applying these standards to my own kids. I find myself wanting to develop structure within the home so that they can learn boundaries and expectations, however I often fail to stay consistent, because I go off my emotions.  I really want my kids to have everything. I often feel guilty for not being able to provide them with more of life’s exciting activities and things such as clothes, toys/electronics or amusement parks and plays.  I want my kids to be well rounded individuals and productive members in society.  I want them to be kind.

Sometimes I feel like I am letting them down,  because of my inconsistencies. Sometimes I wonder if I am placing too much pressure on them to be accountable for their lives, when maybe I should be taking more responsibility over their lives.  When TJ parents he definitely gives the kids more ability to make decisions. More than I remember having growing up.  This has caused some strife in our child raising partnership because I am not sure who’s way is right?  I often struggle with not being able to control the kids and their situations because my other half has equal parenting rights.  This often leads to us feeling like we are battling each other for power and control.  I know this is not correct, so what I have done to address the issue, is step back and let TJ make the decisions, even if I do not agree.  Some examples of this include what movies the kids can and can’t watch and sleepovers.

TJ lost his dad when he was 9 years old.  TJ remembers him and his dad sharing movies together. As he would talk about the movies he watched with dad, I would be in amazement that he was allowed to watch movies like “The Shining” and “Jaws”.  To a young boy though, I can only imagine the excitement he felt spending time with his dad. It wasn’t about the movie content, it is more about the feeling of spending time and connecting with someone you love.  As a result of this love for movies, TJ and I are polar opposite on what we think the kids should be allowed to watch.  I am firm with the PG and lower categories and he is comfortable allowing them to watch PG-13/ TV-14 movies.  Movies like Ghostbuster and Jaws (after you fast forward the beginning) have been on our debatable list since the girls could talk.

In my house, the rule was “Pickett’s only sleep with other Pickett’s” That was my parents nice way of banning sleepovers. In my youth this angered me, as did most of my parents decisions when it came to whatever social life I attempted to have.  I grew up developing an understanding of the underlying reasons my parents did not allow us to participate in sleepovers… you never know what other people are doing in their homes.  It is hard enough trying to maintain and train your kids when they are living with you, but as soon as you begin to allow them to enter into someone else’s home, you do not know what you are exposing your kids to.  I was pretty adamant that my kids were not going to participate in sleep overs.  TJ, not so much. I am not sure if he went to a lot of sleep overs growing up, but he didn’t sleep at home most nights. After the death of his dad, he lived with his mom.  It is my understanding that once he got into a private school, he lived in a boarding home situation during his high school years. When his mom didn’t have a place for him to go, he would stay over a friends house and/or a family members house.  As I process it, I think that maybe TJ didn’t understand the importance of having a home, because it was not made a priority by the adult in his life.  So sleepovers were a go, as long as we both agree with the family.  My oldest daughter, has gone to two sleepovers at the age of 10 years old. TJ and I both agreed that she could go to this particular person’s home, because we trusted her judgement.

As far as beliefs go,  we both share the Christian belief.  I think that we have different ways of practicing it, because we are in different stages of growth and understanding.  We do not go to church as frequently as we used to. There are so many reasons why I haven’t gone, but they pretty much fall under two categories: Lack of funds and time.  I know this sounds really bad, but I consistently feel out place at church because of how I look or how the girls look. I get frustrated and overwhelmed thinking about all the work that goes into preparing for a 2 hour service. I have to do hair for 3 girls and myself, we have to have a nice outfit and shoes for each person, and we have to be prepared to have our kids with us in the service if the kids rooms are not available.  This becomes stressful for me and then I do not get to enjoy the service.  So I have avoided going to church.  I believe that you can pray and talk to God anywhere, which I do.  Maybe not as frequently as I need to, however the Lord has been consistent in taking care of me and my family.  We have been teaching the girls how to pray during meals and for school concerns. It is important to me that the girl’s learn that the Lord will take care of them.

 

What did you see in choosing your husband… How has that worked out for you?

If it is so… How do you handle the challenge of being a full time mom and wife a career professional?

What tools or techniques do you employ to make it work and how does it work?

Explain how responsibilities are shared with your husband and how the balance (if there is balance) is achieved/maintained or other?

 

How have the following affected you?

Being raised not in a community with many/any Blacks?

Having one set of parents vs extended family via divorce or out of wedlock births?

Christian Values with “relationship” with God?

Being value driven with causal assessment and accountability for actions… Cost/benefit, Type of “bait”, Establishing a (your) vision and staying on course… Reevaluating and readjusting?

How are you treated differently over the phone vs in person by people who don’t know you. Conversely, do people who know you treat you differently in person than over the phone?

What is it like to be in an environment with people whose normal expectation far exceed your life norm experience?

Explain going to lunch with your workers… Etc.

Explain the feelings of not being excepted or treated differently by people you work for and the people who work under you. I.e… Expectations of you supervisor that you feel exceeds what would be expected from others.

 

Aspects of being the Supervisor or boss but being overlooked as an underling by people who assume the white person must be you.